i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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