just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
