I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The Olympian is in my bed
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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