We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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