My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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