She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
