my phone needs a breathalizer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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