I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
