my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize