Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My penis needs a shock collar
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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