That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
