I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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