Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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