No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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