Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
