Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
