I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
