do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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