So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
