Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
