Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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