my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
