there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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