I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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