if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
