There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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