Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize