i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
