i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's blow job season.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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