don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
