she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
