We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
