Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
