and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
