Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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