at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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