They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
