At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
