I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
