In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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