awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
