i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
