Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
