I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well you can't waste a boner
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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