I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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