Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
