Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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