There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
