you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
