i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
