WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize
