dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
