Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
