so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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