dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
