You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
