i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
