pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
