I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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