My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
