i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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