Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pants are for mortals
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
