TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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