I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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